...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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