brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
