gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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