I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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