this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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