YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
