My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
