she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
