I met the friendliest cop last night
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
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