Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
