Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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