I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
