I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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