Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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