ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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