I'm gonna have a badass scar
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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