Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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