Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
