u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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