Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
