Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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