a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
