I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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