what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
