I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
