My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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