The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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