Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
