And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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