i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
