i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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