I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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