i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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