my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
