i just sent this text using only my big toe
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
