miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
