Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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