I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
