The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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