five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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