her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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