i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Randomize
