My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
