I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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