Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
