Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
