How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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