I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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