He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Floor bacon is actually really good
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
