also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
