I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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