Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
