She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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