the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
