I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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