I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
