i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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