Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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